Sunday, December 30, 2007

And off she went....

Binks and that mare. Oh my gosh! They became one in an instant. Luckily, we were inside other fences that Binks couldn't undo from the top of the horse, so I just let her go, and kept an eye out for what was going on. They walked around the ranch for about a half an hour and then mosied on back. Both wanted a snack. I just couldn't believe that what had taken me almost thirty years to accomplish, my three year old had figured out in a few weeks, just being around that horse. They were definitely a pair, and inseparable for the next three years. What I didn't know, was that this was to set the stage for my youngest daughter's future. At the end of those three years, I lost my marriage, and was close to the bone with money and food and paying bills so I had to find a new home for Fad. It was heartbreaking. The kids tried to understand, but you know and I know that they really didn't get it.
Every waking moment for years after that, Binks spent figuring out how to get a horse, work around horses, drawing horses, learning every last little minute detail about horses. My other two daughters could either take them or leave them. They liked Barbies and make up, swimming and birthday parties. Binks liked horses. I know what she felt. They give a person the feeling of power and love and freedom.
Her dad made arrangements for her to work on a ranch down the road from us. He got her there and home on the weekends, so she had a chance to hone her skills. She had a knack with the horses. While she was at the ranch they would let her pick which ever one she wanted to work with. She always picked the crazy ones. They soon found that she could calm almost any horse, so they started having her calm the crazy ones they bought, so they could rent them to the public. She had found her niche.
But we moved, and then her dad moved, so there was a time when she didn't have a horse under her again. She found a job with a woman who did pony parties for special occasions. That woman soon found what skills Binks had and worked her to the bone. Binks made some good money with her though, she was almost running the entire business towards the end.

I got a phone call from Binks yesterday at work. She sounded very disconnected. All she wanted to know is if she got any money for Christmas. How does one react to that? I just told her no one got anything for Christmas. I just wanted to scream at her, "What the hell did I do wrong???" But I didn't, I just told her there was an important letter for her at the house, where did she want me to send it. She said she'd pick it up. But I don't know when. Damn, this is really starting to wear on me.


tkdchick said...

At times, Binks as an adult sounds like my sister. I can tell this is really wearing on you!

Despite the fact that your heart is breaking don't forget that at some point in every day there's aways something that can make you smile.

kim-d said...

Say it with me..."This is not about what I did wrong, this is about her perception of things." I truly believe that this is kind of a universal thing, Claudia. Moms blame themselves for things that aren't about them, and lots of young adult daughter don't say or do anything to dissuade their Moms from taking the guilt trip. It's easier than facing up to your own problems, when you're 20. And she called. I'll bet she had to do some serious talking to herself before she dialed, to get herself sounding so disconnected. The call was about so much more than if she got any Christmas money. And she's stopping by the get the letter? Hmmm. Now, bearing in mind that I don't know your daughter and don't know the history, but it just seems like, feeble as they are right now, overtures might be made??? I look forward to hearing more of the story. Even though the telling hurts, it WILL feel better eventually. Just know you're not alone.



stitcherw said...

I'm so sorry, I wish it could get better immediately. However, it is going to take time. As Kim-d said though, it is not you, this is her and she needs to work through it. I agree with what she said, that Binks calling and then saying she'd stop by to pick up the letter could be seen as encouraging. Hang in there, lots of warm wishes headed your way. Here's hoping that 2008 is a better one for you both. {{hugs}}

The Silver Thistle said...

I don't know how you're holding it together Claudia. I'd be a right mess by now.

I'm hoping it all has a happy ending. Coming over instead of having the mail posted is a good sign, it seems to me.