Monday, January 14, 2008

No Title

My imagination went south for the winter, so I can't think of a title. Who told me I had to have one anyway???

I got a call at work yesterday afternoon. It was the youngest daughter asking when I would be home. I told her and she said she was coming by to get her belongings. Mixed feelings there. UGH! I have to face her with my emotions still lingering on my sleeve. YAY! It will empty out the room. (I never got around to putting the stuff in the garage) Then again there was the mixture of I'm pissed and I'm hurt. Last but but least, the anxiety of how will she act? Oh, is my middle daughter going to be home or come home and what will happen if...I think I need to learn how to bottle the emotions and put a cork in it. Then let them out at a later time when, say the wind is blowing and they can dissipate out into the atmosphere. My stomach was churning.

She came and brought her one, long time friend who has gone through some real crap with and because of my daughter. She's a few years younger, and many times I was tempted to call and warn her parents about eminent things that I didn't feel were right. But her parents are a tad blind to what their daughters were doing and rarely want to hear that fact. For the most part I kept my mouth shut to them, but spoke up to the friend myself. Of course, that always fell on deaf ears.

She also brought a roll of garbage bags to pack up her stuff. When she came in I told her right away that I had packed up her belongings and labeled the boxes so she would know what was in them. She kind of acted like that was an inconvenience. I suspect it took away the dramatic license of "packing" her things. Oh well, gotta grow up sometime and leave the high school drama behind. She took everything but the bed, a TV stand that is actually mine and a few wood cubes that make for good storage. It would have been nice of her to take the bed, but then again I can use it. It will take up space I really wanted for myself. (I'm just a whirlwind of contradictions here, I think)

At one point her g/f told me that she was really upset, crying sort of. She said I should go and talk to her. Figuring that her g/f had some insight to Binks brain functions, I attempted to talk to her. It started going downhill immediately. So I stopped. This time the reason for her being so angry with me is that I threw her out, taking her house key from her. Golly gee, it was pretty violent the night we had our blowup. Since, in the past when her sister had fits of stupidity and I would ask her to remove herself, I never took the "key" away and this is what makes her mad. As she sees it, I am always choosing sides. The truth is there was never an opportunity to take the key and Becca never would actually leave. At one point when I told her it was time to go she called the police and they told me I had to go through the courts to evict her. Bottom line here is that no matter what, I will always be the one at fault. She is so much like her dad it is scary. He never accepted responsibility for his actions, and always blamed me (or anyone of his many girlfriends since) for his problems.

I am okay with things this morning. I am not feeling the depression kicking in. Although it is there. From my sleeping patterns this past week, I know it is time to talk to the doctor about it. I know now that she is staying at this friends house. Which is just fine, the friends parents have money, PLENTY of it and I know she is comfortable. And relatively safe. I say relatively, because the other parents can't ever save her from herself. She has two jobs again. A pizza place and at a ranch that runs a therapy horse program. I can now officially get back to my regularly scheduled program.

Since I am off today I have a long list of to dos. We'll see just how far down that list I get. The first is to throw my laundry in and have that working while I am doing other stuff. I believe I will get some boxes and start getting similar things together in my bedroom. What is going to go in the crafty room I will put there in the boxes, so when I start on the room I can just move the boxes around. That way I will be able to move around my bedroom. I think I can actually get the rug up in the crafty room and see what needs to be done to repair the warped flooring.
We had a little change in who was going to take that room. Oldest dtr's boyfriend measured both rooms and decided that they would only gain 4" by taking that back bedroom. No use in moving two bedrooms around at that rate. So the corner room is again mine...all mine! My mind is swirling with what to do first.

Maybe I will book a date on the Jerry Springer show. Sometimes I feel like this house is a candidate for White Trailer Trash Theater!


kim-d said...

Oh Claudia...I'm sorry, but I did almost just spit coffee all over my computer when I read "White Trailer Trash Theater." BWAHAHAHA! I'm glad you haven't lost your sense of humor; don't ever let anything or anyone completely take that from you. As long as you have even one little shred of it left, you will be okay!

The good part of all this is, she has her stuff now so you will not have that hanging over your head, and you will not have to go through that again. And you know she is relatively safe, living with her friend's family. And you did not engage when she wanted to start something--that's real progress. Because, really, if the biggest thing she can think of to be upset about is that she had to leave her key when her sibling didn't? Well, she's REALLY stretching to find something to be pissed off about--ya know? Even without knowing the whole story, I think I can safely say that right now this is all about her wanting to be mad and assigning blame and not taking responsibility, and not at all about you or your abilities as a Mother. You're just the closest one around that it's safe to blame for everything, because she certainly is nowhere near ready to take a look at herself. I hope that someday she will be but, at the same time, there are some people who never do get to that place. I'd like to think that anyone who is an animal lover and who works on a therapy ranch isn't that type of person, but only time will tell. And at least, with two jobs, it doesn't appear she is afraid to work. In my opinion, all you can do is what you're doing...going on about your business and giving her the time, space or whatever it is she needs in order to figure her life out. I don't know for sure, but it seems to me like you have probably come a long, long way in the right direction in your dealings with her. There was no police intervention, right? See? Progress. A huge, huge step out of white trailer trashdom--HAHAHAHA! And no, you DO NOT have to have a title unless you want one :)!!!



Wonderful World of Weiners said...

First off, what you are going through has to be so hard. I feel for you and hope that you realize there are those of us out here that admire your strength.

Things were not always great with CJ and I suspect had he not followed through with the AIr Force, we may have ended up in a smiliar situation. I can't say that for certain but I believe we were headed in that direction.

You are doing an amazing job with what you have to work with.

Btw, I like a blog title so next time you are without one, you can assume I SAID YOU HAVE TO HAVE ONE!! :-)


Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Thanks for considering my feelings re: future blog titles. I appreciate it!!

You ARE a strong momma - the fact that you are still able to help with packing and that you have kept mostly calm and cool is a big deal.

Can't wait to see your entry!